Madame Grand Doigt divorces Santa Claus

Madame Grand Doigt announced her divorce from Santa Claus Monday afternoon at the Evangeline Parish Courthouse. Waving triumphantly to the people gathered outside the courthouse, she exclaimed that she was finally free.

"I had enough of all that crap," she said. "I was tired of being a goody-two shoes, always bringing gifts, even for those little brats who deserved a beating instead - I used to be respected." Madame Grand Doigt said she will resume her previous role as a deterrent to kids "acting up." No more will children expect to receive gifts on New Year's Day no matter how bad they behaved after Christmas. Now they will face what their grandparents faced, the possibility of their Christmas gifts taken away and even possible harm to their lives.

Madame Grand Doigt was once feared in certain parts of south Louisiana. She took Christmas gifts away from children that misbehaved after Christmas. Some children mysteriously disappeared and were never found again. That fear, however, was replaced with joy when she married Santa Claus in approximately 1935. There was a new attitude and everyone received gifts on New Year's Day.

Her name changed to Mrs. Santa Claus and her style changed to red dresses - she had previously worn dirty, old brown rags. She also learned English and had stopped speaking French, except in instances where she was upset with Santa Claus - French was heard by all. "Man, she tore the big guy up," said an elf speaking on anonymity. "She cussed in French, threw pots at him, and even tried to kill one of the deer one night for... I believe she said she wanted to cook a sauce or something like that."

A tearful Santa Claus refused to discuss the matter in great detail. He did say that he tried to make her happy but they had different philosophies. "She was always disagreeing with me, calling me names and putting me down - I don't even know what a 'grow bet fee pew tan' is - she called me that quite often."

Santa Claus did say that Christmas will go on and he's currently looking for a new Mrs. Santa Claus.